Some times Love isn't enough
by Natfanfirst
Summary: Unsatisfied with the way her life is going Natalie makes a huge decision that effects John and their future together. Can they work it out with out losing what they love the most? Please read. All reviews are welcome but please be gentle. Rated NC17
1. Chapter 1

**A/N All OLTLcharacters are not owned by me. they are the property of ABC and there is no infringment intended here. **

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**Chapter 1**

Natalie come out... come out here and talk to me" John called into the bathroom door after she ran in there. She was upset, mortified and he knew it; it was his fault, yet again. The ring, she saw the ring and assumed he was ready but he wasn't sure... all of a sudden he wasn't sure if he was right too ask, if they were right together... if they could make it forever.

"What the hell is wrong with you Natty... what have you become?" she asked herself quietly as she heard him yell thru the door to her. She had made the biggest fool of herself and she didn't think she'd get over it, not this time... she felt... felt... as if she hit rock bottom... as if she didn't recognize herself anymore, who she was, what had she become? What did loving him so much turn her into?

The tears they came, they ran, and fast down her cheeks and she didn't have the energy to wipe them away, not a single one, instead she pulled her body down to the cold floor in the bathroom, pulled her knees to her chest and held herself, herself. That was all she felt she had now, herself... and... Even herself... she didn't trust at this moment... she didn't know this person she was, she wasn't the same AC girl with spirit, full of life, ready to take on the world. She was a mess… all cause of a man... and loving him... way too much... losing herself in him...too much.

"Natalie... open the door... lets talk...come on... we can work this out" his last words had her tears subsiding, they could work things out... maybe he really was going to ask her; maybe she just jumped the gun? She shook her head

"You pathetic ass" she stood and looked at herself in the mirror " look at you..." she told herself softly and she took a long moment and looked at her face. She didn't like what she saw, she didn't...

"Natalie.… come on... we love each other... open the door"

One last glance... at the image she finally saw in front of her, someone, she didn't even recognize... she shook her head yet again.… wiped her eyes for now... and knew exactly was she needed to do.… had to do.

Natalie unlocked the bathroom door, she walked towards him slowly as she saw him put his arms out as she looked him in the eyes.

"Sometimes love... Isn't enough" she told him softly and moved around his arms... over towards the front door of the room. She turned slightly for a moment, hoping, praying she could find enough of herself .…her old strong self to go thru with this , this time. She closed her eyes briefly and then reopened them and met his. She saw his shocked expression.

"I'll send someone for my stuff" was all she said as she walked out the door of his place, of home...as she walked slowly still fighting the tears that yet again teetered in her eyes, the pain that engulfed her heart. She walked ... from what she had become while loving him in hopes of finding who she once was so long ago


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch 2**

"What the hell are you doing? Where the hell are you going? And why didn't he come after you?" she sat and asked herself out loud. She was in her car now and she started it, put it into drive and drove from him, from here, no known destination since she hadn't a clue where to go. Where she fit. She kept driving, and in circles, her phone in her purse rang, a few times in the beginning, then a few more but then... as hours seemed to pass... it stopped...finally almost out of gas.… she stopped her car in front of the police station... it was late, cold and she was extremely tired and she knew... knew she couldn't avoid the thoughts, the emotions, feelings, pain inside any longer tonight...

Putting the seat of the car back as far as it could she made herself comfortable as she stared at the building in front of her.… her eyes yet again glaring her vision by the water being released.… again she started to cry, the pain, the unknowing... much too much for her at this moment, way too much she let it all go, the tears and the heartbreak of not only leaving him tonight but ... the not knowing who she was, what she had become.

Minutes later the rain came, it was raining outside the same as her heart and she pulled her hands to her face, held it and shook her head, not being able to form anymore words and feeling numbness all thru her body she just got out of her car, and stepped into the rain, The pouring rain.

It was almost one am and John couldn't sleep, he just couldn't. she had left tonight... well technically it was yesterday but she had left, she felt humiliated, embarrassed, upset, and it was his fault. It was. And ... it was her fault…wasn't it? It was there fault; both of them were to blame for this.

John tossed and turned in the bed and couldn't get comfortable, it had been awhile since he slept in this bed alone, a real long time since he felt completely alone... and he sat up and looked to her side of the bed. Touched her pillow and closed his eyes. He saw it in his head, her face, the look on it when she left this time... the look in her eyes.… it wasn't like the last times... not the others... this time... the look in her eyes told him... she wouldn't be back...she wouldn't...and he would have to get used to living without her, being.… completely without her.

Natalie was soaked in just a matter of minutes and she didn't care, she walked into the station, over to her desk, saw the place almost deserted and she walked to her desk. Grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it... step one of what she would hope helped... help to put her on her way to finding herself, who she once was.

Placing the almost soggy paper on Bo's desk she grabbed a few things on her desk as she passed.… taking the picture of them.… her and john from her desk along with her name plaque and throwing it in the nearest trash can. Shaking her head as the tears that just recently subsided started to fall again she walked out of yet... again... another part of her life.

Attempting to run for her car.…thru the cold rain yet again she ran a bit off balance , a bit clumsily and slipped, fell... onto the cold, wet concrete and she once again felt numb as she heard his words.

"Natalie... are you alright?" Miles Lawrence asked as he watched her fall in front of him. He was leaving the station the same as her, late at night and he had actually seen her, the mess she was when he was inside.

Reaching his hand out to help her up, her eyes blood shot, her face stained, her body... looking defeated she reached her hand out and he heard her words.

"no... I'm not... but... I hope to be... someday... again... soon" she said almost a whisper as she let this man... almost a stranger help her up. She looked into his eyes, she let him see her... cry... the tears and she didn't look away... she was already humiliated too much to worry about it now... now she looked at this man, his gentleness in his words.

"I'm new to being around people... to reading them... but... I can tell something is very wrong with you... can I help?" she bite her tongue the first time she went to speak, to talk to him... my God he was Mitch's brother... his flesh and blood but... she didn't care at this moment... bottom was upon her and well... what the hell.

"I.…I... I'm not sure where to go…who… I ... Am" she told him and he shook his head understanding.

"I know something about that... come with me... its cold... and you're soaked"

"Thank you" she said softly as her head hit the pillow in his bed. He touched her hair and smoothed it back gently.

"No need to thank me... I'm just sorry you have to be going thru something... something that has you... this upset..." he told her and she sat up... wearing his shirt, that he had given her when they got to his room in the palace.

"Yeah well.…" was all she could find to say as he looked at her.

"You and I" he started to say as she brought her body down to his bed, as he grabbed the pillow next to her." You and I...I guess are sort of in the same boat... you... need to find that feisty girl I read about... the one that took on my evil brother... and me… I need to figure out who I am outside the prison I lived my entire life" he saw her shake her head and he did too... as she closed her eyes... as he watched her close for a moment.

Miles jumped up off the couch as he heard the banging on the door...

"Coming" he said, as he was shirtless... as he opened the door to see John McBain standing there. As never inviting him in. Just then Natalie walked out of the bedroom of the suite. Wearing one of Miles' shirts, a pair of his pajama pants..

"Miles... would it be okay if I us—" her words stopped as soon as she saw his face... John's... his expression... stone. She waited... waited for the blow up... and... Well... it came... oh boy... did it come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ch 3**

"John" her words, softly as she shook her head, his face, tortured, mean looking.

John was silent for a few minutes as he walked into the room more, closer to her, looked her in the eyes, his shining fury, hers painful.

"It didn't take you long... did it?" he said out of jealousy, although not wanting to admit it, or believe it. He was jealous; beyond jealous, hurt, pained to think she may have spent the night with this man, a total stranger... that she had spent the night having sex with any man... other than him. he pushed it away, far away... the part of him that wanted to care, instead he reverted to anger, his anger over the whole situation. Him, her, this... and what they had become.

"John… its not what you think?" her words still weak sounding she noticed the darkness in his eyes, darkest she had ever seen and he walked closer to her.

"You... just couldn't' wait... could you? To get into bed with someone... that's what leaving was really all about wasn't it?"

"NO!!! She said more forceful

" You're wrong" she said softly this time as she was having a hard time staying strong right now, she noticed Miles walk closer to the two of them, put himself in-between the hurtful, hatred glares of the situation.

"Lieutenant Mcbain... this isn't wh—"

'What I think? Hey buddy… this is exactly what I think.… but you know what... you want her... fucking have her.… let her manipulate and screw over your mind, she's good at it" he told him and he started to walk from the room in a fit of rage, he had to get out of there, this place before he exploded... did something, said more that he'd regret.

John was almost at the door when she found enough of herself to run after him, her anger... it was taking over her body now, no more weakling... no more being timid, things couldn't get worse, much worse than this.

"Fucking run John... take the easy way out ... you've been looking for a reason .… trying to find reasons in me to go... leave, end this.… not ask me to freaking Marry you for months now!!! Get the fuck out!!!!!" she screamed at him and he turned at her words, grabbed her arms roughly and shook her some.

"You were the one to leave ... REMEMBER!!!!!!!" he screamed in her face as miles approached

"Let go of her" not as forceful a sound as most men but enough to get john out of his current state of anger, just momentarily.

"No.… You left us along time ago... you were just too freaking weak to admit it!!! Instead you put it all on me.… try and break me down... make me feel like I can't do anything right.… like I'm useless... worthless.…. all so I'll be the one to leave… Get the fuck out John and Don't you ever" she shook his hold on her off " Don't you ever put you hands on me... NOT EVER AGAIN!!!" she walked away from him and towards the bathroom quickly before she broke down, before he could say anything else, before she couldn't hold it together in front of him..

John stood almost in shock of the situation, his anger; it was changing to something else... to reality? Reality hit him and hard as he yet again watched her walk from him, away from him.… again... the light in her eyes for him gone, he destroyed it... and he couldn't do anything about it... he squeezed his fists tight for a moment as he looked to see Miles open the door for him.

"Not sure why you came here... but... she told you to get out" Miles told john as he looked at him, the shock on his face, his body language showing what miles figured to be realization. He might be realizing how much... just how much his anger has cost him.

John closed his eyes before starting to walk from the room, out thru the door that now stood opened by miles. He walked like a coward almost completely out of it and then suddenly turned himself and ran to the bathroom door he knew she was behind.

"Natalie…NATALIE!!!!!!" he screamed into it, his heart in pieces… his head a mess.

Natalie heard him screaming her name as she stood in the shower, hot steamy water running over her body as she try to cleanse herself...clean herself of what happened again… him.… there anger.… she wouldn't answer him... she wouldn't, she couldn't.

"I'm Sorry… I'm so.…" John spoke softly when she never responded to him calling her, he felt defeated, alone, at fault and he wondered if this was how he had been making her feel lately.

John made his way towards the door and out of it, completely gone... away... far away from her and the life he thought he was ready for. A few minutes later he stepped out of the Palace hotel, the front doors and he closed his eyes tight... extremely tight... as if blocking out what he just saw... the conclusions... the wrong conclusion he had just jumped too... he blocked them out... that and the awful look in her eyes when he lost his temper.

Natalie let the water continue to wash her, she cried in silence as it did.

" He's gone" she heard as she turned the water off, as she got out of the shower carefully not to slip, as she wiped the mist off the mirror and looked at herself yet once more. Looked at the wet mess she was once more and then heard his kind gentle words thru the door.

"Take all the time you need, I'll order us breakfast and you can tell me all about the AC girl I read about.… that is if you think it will help" he told her and she threw on a robe, walked out and into the room to him. She looked into his eyes.

"Maybe another time... I need to go"

'Where?"

'Not sure... to get my car first... then... then I'll figure out... I'll figure it out"

"I'll take you for your car... I'll help you figure things out..."

'No... I need to do this alone…all alone" she told him as a tear came to her eye, as there was a knock on the door. Her face went white for a moment... stunned thinking it possibility might be him but... deep down inside... she knew it wasn't. Natalie watched on as he answered the door, She closed her eyes briefly as she heard him speak with someone from the hotel, she reopened them and saw him holding her clothes they sent out for cleaning early this morning.

Without words she took the clothes from his hands and smiled weakly at him. " Thank you," she told him and he returned the weak smile, pushed her wet hair from her eyes.

"No problem... never a problem... something tells me... you're a good person to have in my corner if needed... if ever" he told her and she smiled.

"I used to be," she laughed weakly now as her eyes gather tears.

"You will be again," he told her and her smile got a tad bit bigger, brighter.

"You're nothing like your brother... absolutely nothing," she told him and he smiled bigger this time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch 4**

"Maybe I should leave town "she told herself as she drove her car towards llanfair. Miles had dropped her off to get her car and she carefully and quickly left the LPD parking lot, she didn't want to run into him again, not ever again, seeing him would only cause more pain at this moment. More pain…She laughed at those thoughts of being in more pain, but continued to ignore for a few minutes, for the time being.

She continued to drive to llanfair when out of nowhere she felt... felt a bit panicky... almost like she couldn't breath as she approached the drive. She stopped the car and looked up to the house... her eyes watered and she didn't know why... or even how... she without thought turned the car around and drove... she wasn't sure how or why she ended up at her cottage... but she was there in a matter of a few minutes.

Now she stared at his place, a place she loved, a place she forgot all about almost as soon as she and john came to be. She walked towards the door trying to remember if Nash was still living there... racking her brain she remembered something about him moving out and she searched the plant that still sat on the front porch after all this time.

"Okay.…it has to be here...gotcha" she said with a triumph smile s she pulled the key out of the plant. She opened the door and went inside.

Looking around her memories, good ones, bad ones, they all came rushing back at her.

Christian, Roxy.… John... they all came full circle to her life now. She walked thru the house and over towards the living room,

" I see the free loaders didn't like to clean," she said with a smile as she went to the kitchen for some cleaning supplies she hoped would still be under the sink.

John sat at his desk staring at a file, a case in front of him. Not really remembering what the file said or what the hell was even going on in his mind, his heart. He reverted his attention to the window... the one to the hall outside... the one to the desk she should be sitting at... the desk, the job she no longer occupied.

He reached into his desk and pulled out her desk plaque, a picture of them he had found in the trash by her desk when he came in a few hours ago... when he had gotten back from the big fight, fiasco at the Palace, at Miles Lawrence's room.

Studying the name in front of him he traced it with his fingers, over and over again as if tracing her, pieces of her, her curves, her soft hair, her beautiful face and he remembered just how lucky he was at one point in his life. One point to have someone like her in it... to have her love him but then... then he remembered other stuff... the bad... the lies they both told at times, the mistrust. He opened his eyes and looked at the picture this time. His face in the picture... a slight smile, a small one... probably the only time he had ever smiled in life...she had been the only one to make him smile... to ever really make him happy since Caitlin died and he... blew it...they blew it.

Lost in thought he heard a knock on his door and he put the picture away quickly. He turned and looked as Bo walked into his office.

"What's up Boss?" he asked unenthusiastic as he stood.

"This" Bo handed John her signed resignation. A soggy piece of paper stating... the blunt truth...' I've given it my best... but... sometimes your best isn't good enough…I quit'

John closed his eyes briefly as he already knew in his heart that she had quit, that she wouldn't be coming back to this place, her job here... to him. It was written in her eyes... in her words as they ended things, as she ended all things related to them.

" I figured" was all John said as he walked to his desk, sat and grabbed a file, started to ask questions, change the subject and fast. Fast before his avoidance caused him to break in front of someone... something he never did in front of others... well...not in front of anyone but her.

"What's going on John? Does this still have to do with the evidence cover up?" Bo looked to the man in front of him, he was trying hard to hold it together and although knowing how wrong things had become between the two of them... Bo knew the kind of love they had, the tortured sort of love that was beyond measures.…the power of it...in it.

"No... I don't think so... well... yeah. . Sort of the evidence thing but... its about your niece... maybe you should ask her" he told him and Bo watched him carefully, a coldness, darkness... more dark, more cold then usual, then ever.

'I tried... but... she isn't answering her phone...thought you'd know where she was"

"I know where she was... probably still is..." he told him remembering for a moment her walking out of Miles bedroom in his suite.… wearing his clothes... a shirtless miles standing in front of him. Although knowing that... sleeping with someone else so fast, was something Natalie would never do... knowing he was wrong... he couldn't help the jealousy... that was still very much inside of him.

"Where then? Cause I called your place too... she didn't answer the phone"

John took a deep breath. " She doesn't live there anymore" John spoke softly and looked to Bo's shocked expression.

"Where does she live then John? Did she go back to Llanfair? Cause they haven't seen her either?" Bo saw the expression on John's face. He studied him and waited for an answer but one never came. Instead John ignored the question, questions, they were too painful to answer at this point. Other than being with Miles Lawrence, in his room last night , he hadn't a clue on where or what she was doing today and it was driving him crazy.

"I've got work to do... excuse me" was all john found to finally say as he walked quickly from his office leaving Bo there standing dumbfounded.

Natalie's Cottage

Natalie finished cleaning the place, she walked around it and again couldn't help remembering things... her life here once upon a time.

Thoughts of how she loved this place, how she and Christian were at one point in life suppose to make this their home, raise a family here.

"Christian" she said his name out loud. Shook her head. " How things change... over the years... I thought He and I were It for me... the forever and ever type... but... I guess I was wrong... the same as thinking... feeling John was my soul mate" Natalie walked through the living room, into the foyer and she could see his face, Johns... the day they found the pictures of Caitlin's murder... plastered all over her walls... she shook her head again.

"I guess he could never love the same after her?" she asked herself out of the air. She hadn't thought about him still loving Caitlin, or any of that since... since... well... for a long time. She closed her eyes briefly, reopened them " and I won't start thinking about it again now... no more thinking about John... about things... that hurt... only finding myself... for me... for no one else"


	5. Chapter 5

**Ch 5**

A few days had passed, a few long ones and John had locked himself up in either his office at work or his room ... their room at the hotel... he was starting to feel numb and exhausted... all he seemed to do is think about her, them, how he acted, what went wrong

" Johnny... what's up bro? You look like shit" Michael asked as he approached John in his office. John was unresponsive for a few minutes. He never even acknowledged Michaels words, his presence.

"Johnny...Johnny… your scaring me... what's going on?" John came out of his funk for a few minutes, his brooding miserable regretful face looked to Michaels.

'Nothing... bad day... what's up?" John stood and walked closer to Michael and Michael knew there was more to this but... he knew his brother, it would go nowhere at this moment to push.

" Alright... well... just came looking for you. You and Natalie actually... wanted to invite the two of you to dinner for Tommy's birthday" John heard her name and he looked away towards her desk out in the hall, her old desk, someone else sitting there.

"I have to work " was all John told him and Michael looked deeper at his brother, closer. He walked closer.

"its your nephew John... I'm sure you can take an hour or so off to spend time with your family"

"I can't" he said walking passed him and over to the file cabinet to grab a few files. Michael approached him.

"Fine... I'm sure Natalie can work on you... tell you that you're not being ri—" John turned quickly this time at yet again the mention of her name.

"Natalie won't anything, not anything!!! Don't you get it!! She's not here... and will never be again... " his loud obnoxious tone changed to remorse, soft.

"We aren't together anymore Michael... and... I... I have a lot of work to do" John walked from his office, fast, he grabbed his keys on the way out, his jacket, he needed a drink, a few and fast.

John walked into Rodis' he felt her presence the minute he did, he turned do see her at the pool table, their pool table and his heart, it nearly jumped from his body. He walked closer to her as he just had to speak with her, here her voice. He missed her, the sound of her, everything about her these last few days ... and the way they left things had his heart in pieces.

"Natalie" John spoke softly as he walked closer to her by the pool table, he watched her fidget with her hair like she always did when she was nervous or upset. She didn't answer him nor did she meet his eyes with hers as he started to walk closer to her. He got even closer and as he did he watched how uncomfortable she got, how more and more nervous she seemed to get.

"What do you want John?" she asked as her eyes finally felt they could look at him. As she felt she could finally meet his gaze.

Natalie noticed his look, remorseful. He looked that way, and he looked beautiful to her, still a beautiful sight to her and she knew it would be so easy to just forget all of this, to give up on this finding herself thing, to just be with him... however he wanted her but…she had to stay strong, she had to do it and for herself. She reminded herself as he spoke.

"Can we talk? Go somewhere and talk," he said afraid she would say no, so he didn't wait for her answer.

"I need to apologize to you... we need to work thru this, I want too, I want us too" he told her and she looked at him.

"You want us too?" she said softly and looked at him, the tears already forming in his eyes.

"Yeah, I love you. We can do this, we can"

Natalie walked around him, over by the jukebox and was silent for a few minutes, he walked up behind her and spoke gently and she was continuing to find it so hard to not fall into his arms, his spell... his heart again but... this wasn't about them loving each other now was it? It was about them being different people, becoming different and difference coming between them.

"John... if... if you were that person... the one who cared about me, who got me, the one that walked into crossroads, the one that pulled me too him with our connection... one that at one time made me feel so safe, secure, loved... if you were that person now...and if I was who I once was... once felt that the connection we had was all that mattered... maybe... but..." she paused and turned to his face.

"But... we've become something else, you... a person who talks to me like I'm a child doing wrong, one that acts like I'm a child, and me... one... that allows you to make me feel that way... one that lets you walk all over my self esteem, my pride" She paused as he closed his eyes.

"We're not the same two people with a connection that could melt fire... that could take on serial killers, risen again husbands… daddy demons... Spencer Truman... we're just not the same... your just not the same and neither am I"

'We can be the same again... we can find our way...I miss you"

"And I miss you too.… the you... the one somewhere deep inside that had always put my needs first... the one who I knew loved me even if he couldn't say the words... not the one" she took a break

"Not the one that yells at me... belittles me… makes excuses for not wanting to marry me..." John closed his eyes, reopened them, and looked in her face. Her eyes were watering and he reached his hand to move a piece of hair from in front of her eyes and she caught his hand mid way.

"No" she told him and he moved his hand from hers.

"I never meant to become that person," he said softly " I never meant to take from you... to make you feel... the way you've been... I've never meant to not listen or really hear you... I've…"

"I have to go John," she said losing her strength to stay strong and not touch him, not want him to hold her and tight.

Natalie walked fast, faster as she approached the doors of Rodi's as she almost ran into Miles by the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Ch 6**

"Hey... wait" Miles told her as she didn't stop to talk to him, to say hi, she just kept walking quickly passed him, he looked over towards the pool table and he understood why as he ran after her.

'Natalie... wait" he called after her again and she slowed down by her car, started to open it but stopped as he came real close to her. She was losing it, breaking down and she didn't turn fro the car, just faced her door as she spoke to him.

"How are you miles?" she said trying to be nice, to change the attitude of things, to change the thoughts, the emotions in her head and heart at the moment... just ignoring them.

'I'm good... you however... don't looked so good" he told her and she smiled weakly and turned towards him.

"I'm okay... not good... but Okay" she told him and smiled weakly again at him.

"Well okay...it's a start isn't?" she smiled a bit more this time, just a bit.

"Have lunch yet?" he asked all innocent

"No"

'Well... lets go have some... the diner or the Palace?" he asked and she looked at him, his sincere eyes.

"The diner, not up for the Palace" he nodded his head and he got into her car with her to drive over to the diner.

John watched as she ran out of Rodi's, she ran from him, she just kept running from him, the knot in his stomach got harder, larger as he again saw she still couldn't bare to look at him, into his eyes. He couldn't believe he had done this to her, that he had cause her so much pain, that her eyes... something the two of them always had, the looks between them, the secure feeling, loving feeling shared thru there eyes...it was gone, nothing more than pain.

John sat at a booth, flagged down the waitress for a beer and began to drink, and heavily. Trying yet again today to drink away the look in her eyes, the pain in her words.

"So this is the place? Nice" Miles said as he walked around the living room of Natalie's cottage, they had lunch and then he followed her here so she could show him the place.

'Yeah? You think so? I mean... it's no Palace" she smiled small at him, he returned the smile " or even Llanfair but... it's mine, has always been mine and actually... it feels real good to be here... to sleep here... in a bed of my own... that I made my own..." she said and looked at him confused for a minute " can you understand that? Did it make any sense?"

Miles looked at her and smiled, it made perfect sense. " Yeah... it makes perfect sense... you feel good here, you fit" he told her and she smiled, " yeah... I fit... I forgot... for so long... how this place made me feel, how it fit... it's been too long"

"Well... then..." miles said and stopped as he continued to walk the room, leaving her a bit confused on what he was so suddenly getting at.

She looked onto him still confused for a few minutes. " What?" she finally asked

"I'm a bit jealous... I've never had a place that fit... that I felt was home and made me feel good... I was in that damn institution my entire life...I'm just... just learning things, doing firsts... and" Miles got an idea...an idea for another first.

"And what?" she asked, he looked at her smiling." I have an idea for another first..."

'Okay spill"

"No... It's a surprise just make sure you're home Thursday night"

Rodi's

"John man...how many drinks have you had?" Antonio asked as he saw him almost lying on the counter at the bar.

"He's had too many... do me a favor Antonio, take him home, he's not fit to drive" Mac told Antonio and he grabbed John's arm and started to guide him out to his car.

John didn't say a word to him, not one as he helped him into his car, not for a few minutes while they drove till Antonio asked.

"This about Natalie? I heard from Jess"

John heard her name, Natalie's name and he was so drunk, so drunk that he just couldn't hold things inside and leave them there right now... he couldn't control his emotions with the amount of alcohol in him.

'She... she needs to find me... I mean ... her... I need to me ... too" he said not making sense, almost none to Antonio but... some how he understood it.

"Says Love... its not more...enough... sometimes... I changed... she... too" he turned to Antonio as he looked at him briefly while driving.

"Why? Why can't it be enough... why? Doesn't she want to try? Fight? Hold on" he asked and Antonio saw him face, a side to him he had only seen pieces of once or twice when she was missing, when Haver had her, when barber had her, when he thought she may have been dead.

Antonio pulled the car over, looked over to his friend, not sure he'd remember his words in the morning but... he said them anyways.

"What are you doing about it john? Huh? She needs to find herself... that's good, cause the real Natalie... the one you fell for... fell for even when she was marrying my brother... that one... she's been gone lately..."

"Oh... so... you think its good... fine" John got mad, he was trying to open the car door but couldn't.

"John... it is good, its good for her... and it's good for you"

"How? She's not here with me... she wants nothing to do with me… her eyes... their... their dark when she look at me... how is that good?"

"Its good cause now. Now you can work on being who you used to be... and you can show her...show her how much she means to you... " John looked at him all puzzled.

"I don't understand... I just want my Natalie back... I don't wanna sleep alone anymore... I want to touch her hair in the morning, I want to feel her next to me... on the roof, in our bed...I just... I just lo--… mis--- her" John told him and Antonio started the car and continued to drive.

"Good then... fight for her...show her... you can be patient while she finds what she needs... but... you wont give up... cause John... chief... honestly...you really need to step up this time" Antonio looked over to john now staring out the window... he saw him... and what seemed to be him sobering some and he hoped that he was sober enough to remember his words, to think about them.

John's head was spinning some, he was feeling nothing but numb when he was sober enough to here his friends words, he closed his eyes and closed his thoughts as he leaned his head up against the car window and all he saw there was her…them.

Thursday

John woke to the sound of his clock, never before did he ever have to rely on an alarm clock to wake him but lately... with all the drinking, with her gone, he had too... it took so much for him to get to sleep at night, maybe ten beers and he'd pass out, be out for the night and maybe even more if he didn't want to dream of her, think of her.

John sat up and hit the clock off, he stood there for a few minutes and shook his head for a minute... he hated this shit... hated not being with her, near her, not seeing her at work or even knowing where she was, what she was doing, he hated not being in her life at all... having nothing to do with each other. He stood slowly as his head hurt so bad... as he went to the bathroom showered quick and walked out of there room... he cursed himself for a minute... his room... he meant to think... not theirs... they had nothing anymore... fours years of needing her in his life... and he lost her... they lost each other.

"Hey Johnny" Michael said as he saw him in the hall outside the room.

'Hey" john said quietly but didn't feel like stopping... didn't feel like talking but Michael stepped in front of him and stopped him.

"How are you today Bro? " Michael asked knowing and seeing what a mess john had been since Natalie left him.

"Fine... I gotta get to work" john abruptly told him and started to walk away as he heard Marcie come out from her and Michael's room.

"Michael I almost forgot don't forget to pick up the plat at the florist for Natalie's party ton---" Marcie hadn't noticed john walking a few feet away until the words were out. She saw Michaels face and then saw John walk back towards them.

"Natalie's party tonight?" John asked curious to the fact that she was having a party... and his brother and sister in law... his family was attending.

"Yeah..." Marcie said hesitantly and Michael motioned for her to go he'd handle his brother.

"Yeah... Miles Lawrence is throwing her a surprise house warming dinner party tonight... Marcie, Tommy and I ... we were ... invited" Michael told him softly gently not knowing if this would depress him more or make him mad.

John looked to the ground, that damn Miles Lawrence again." I see" was all he said quietly... and started to slowly walk away, mike walked after him.

'Johnny. Johnny." he called to his brother until he stopped for a few minutes

"You guys... you'll be back... you know... together... in know time... this is good for Natalie... for you too... remember... you were having doubts about the marriage thing... anyways... remember Johnny? This break up... this break... it wasn't ... isn't just all about her... now is it?"

John didn't answer his brother, he kept walking towards the stairs, but... instead of going down to the lobby and leaving for work he walked up to the roof... their roof.

Opening the heavy metal door, looking around he could see them making love up her, the first time, a few other times... even them seeing that damn shooting star... how beautiful she looked that night, how jealous he was of Vincent's Jones words that night... how beautiful she was all the time. Whether dressed up or not... he silently walked around the roof, taking it all in, all the words of the past few months... all the stolen few moments... stolen few... he blinked at those thoughts...

When he had been in that bed, that hospital bed he swore. Swore he'd do things different... not only show her how much he loved her, wanted to be with her... but tell her... and he did tell her, he came back and he wanted to marry her... to wanted that dream of a family with her... the one he saw at his dads grave but...things weren't right... and he wanted to make them perfect... she deserved it to be right... she had been so much to him, done so much for him in these past years... she deserved right... perfect but...

John stood by the edge of the roof... had his wanting to make it so perfect caused some of this... caused her to go off the deep end with her worrying about him constantly... worrying and becoming insecure about him not wanting to ask her after all this time? He shook his head confused, was that part of what happened to her, took herself away... from her... made her something she wasn't? He walked passed the edge over to the bench they sat many, many times. Put his face in his hands and held it in silence for a few minutes.

"Have I become something different too?" he asked himself " did the accident change me?" questions he never really stopped to think before he did now... and he didn't like the answers he found... the ones telling him... yes... he had changed... cause... when before the accident would he have not cared about what she was feeling, thinking... when would he not listen and hear her??? He shook his head after a few minutes and stood.

"I've got a lot to figure out... to work thru... the same as her...but...I can't do it with out her... without not even a small part of her..." he said out loud and he walked off the roof and headed towards work.

Natalie sat at the small table in her foyer, she had her coffee and she heard a knock on her front door.

"Yes"

"Natalie Buchanan" Natalie nodded and the man moved passed her sight and signaled for another man, a mover to carry the large wooden ... swing on a frame? Onto her porch,

"What's?? What's going on/" she asked and the man asked her to sign for the beautiful three person swing... she just looked at him.

'I didn't order this" she said and then she noticed the large red bow on top... she looked at him a bit confused again.

"Yeah... I figured by the request for the bow but… its yours... some romantic must have ordered it... we were told to place it in the best view of the stars" the man told her as she signed his paper... she walked out onto the porch as they left and looked over it... touched the lacquer stained wood and smiled... still confused on too who sent it... her first idea with the part about the stars would be john but... no. He couldn't have been him... Vincent... maybe even miles... maybe even her sister but... not John... not the john of late... no way possible.


	7. Chapter 7 NC 17

**Ch 7**

Natalie walked upstairs to her bedroom... it was late and she was exhausted, she had, had the nicest surprise tonight... miles had thrown his first dinner party... a house warming party for her at her cottage... it was so much fun... everyone important to her came... everyone ... of curse but john... she got depressed for a moment as she reached into her top drawer of her dresser. Pulled out without thinking his favorite nighty... the black one...she put it on and sat for a moment on the end of the bed... not tired at all... and knowing the night was warm... she went down stairs and out to the swing.

She sat for a few minutes just going over the nice night she had, the one that made her feel like her old self, how good she felt to feel others cared for her... that she was special to people... she often wondered... especially with her family whether she was... and tonight her mom, Jessica, and even her dad came for a little while and they showed her just how much... how much they seem to care... and that was a nice present... and excellent one... it made her forgot all about how hard these last few weeks without John were... how hard life with out him could and would be from now on...

Her eyes started to tear for a few minutes as she thought again about what had happened to them, how they had become, how afraid she was to lose him again after they found in under those bandages... but... she did lose him again... didn't she... along with herself... herself worth... she let him...no. She gave up herself for him... to him... with the dream that they would have a future...with the dream that they would someday have a family, a life ...even grow old together... she shook her head... and wiped the few tears from her eyes.

John worked late... it was sometime around 11 and he didn't want to go back to the hotel, or to a bar... not tonight... tonight he wanted ... and needed to see her... or at least be close to where she was for a few minutes... so he headed towards her cottage... in hopes of just looking in thru the front window and seeing her...just the beautiful sight of her that he missed so much.

Continuing to sit on her swing she ran her fingers over it... she smiled... someone knew her so well... didn't they... and no one at the party fessed up to sending it... not her family... not miles, and not even Vincent although he danced around the question some as if it was possibility him.

She closed her eyes tight for a moment as she felt a slight breeze come across the porch... as she felt a slight chill and knew she would have to go in soon since she wasn't dressed to be out here... but... she gave herself a few more minutes... to just...be.

Still with closed eyes she thought about herself... what she wanted in life... and his face came to her... of course... his face, his touch... how he made her feel... it was all inside of her... every caress... memorized, every kiss...making her feel secure.

"Will I ever feel like that again? The way you made me feel?" she asked out loud as she heard a noise come from the bushes on the path up to the cottage. She became alarmed for a moment and spoke when she continued to hear noises.

"Is someone there?" Natalie asked as she stood up from the swing, she walked closer to the front door, never turning her back from the dark night in front of her.

John knew he couldn't hide, he was walking up to try and see her thru the windows of the house and she was outside... on the swing... and she heard him. He walked up from the path of bushes and he saw her face. Mixtures of relieve and then a bit of anger ran across it.

"John...you scared me," she told him bluntly, her anger sparking her attitude some.

"I didn't mean too... I just wanted to see ... be near you, make sure you're alright" he said and he saw her just realize for the first time that she was wearing her short black nighty and nothing over it.

Natalie realized that she wasn't dressed for him to be around. She was wearing the black nighty he always loved and that was probably the reason still to this day she still wore it so much. She covered herself some for a few minutes, and then realized she didn't care if he saw her this way. It didn't matter at this moment.

"Why wouldn't I not be alright john?" she said a bit snide this time now, getting her point across. John watched her, she wasn't as mad as she could be. As he might expect her to be.

"Heard you had a big night, your place, it must be nice, it always was back when we first met" he told her trying to soften things some. He walked around the porch as he saw her let her guard down.

Natalie looked at him, he was being almost shy like around her, a lot like when they first met, well... after she found out who he really was. She saw him walk to the swing and stand.

" Yeah, I did... and I repainted the place got some new furniture" she told him and walked passed him, took a seat on the swing. He looked at her, their previous hostilities gone for now, or just taking a hiatus. He didn't wait to be invited, he sat next to her and saw her doing exactly what he wanted to see her do... look up to the sky, see the stars.

The two sat in silence for a few minutes till finally john saw her fold her arms, hold herself, she was cold. He turned some and took off his jacket, and put it over her shoulders. She looked at him, her eyes soft for now... and he thanked God for the reprieve... no matter how long or short it was.

"I love you Natalie... and... I'm so sorry... for... what has happened to us...for making you feel you lost yourself...I really am truly sorry" Natalie listened to his sincere words, she loved him so damn much, loving him was never the problem now was it? Being with him, what she had become while with him that was the problem right? How he had been making her feel lately... that was the problem... wasn't it? She searched his eyes for a moment and found more than the love he felt for her... she found her best friend. The one she hadn't seen in awhile.

Natalie fiddled with her fingers for a moment and then looked away from his eyes, towards her hands and then looked back at him... her john... if even for a few minutes... he was here, sitting with her and she didn't have it in her to make him leave. She didn't and instead she did something that was all her, all Natalie... just jumped in without thinking things thru... she reached over to his face with her hand and brought her lips too... eager to feel his skin, his stubble, his tough lips touched hers, urgently, anxiously as he slide his body closer.

Tangling his hands in her hair... he was lost in the kiss she initiated... lost in her feel, in the love radiating off the two of them, he slowly lowered her back on the swing, climbing on top of her, kissing her mouth, moving his lips, his hands down her body, down her curves, her breasts... his mouth licked at her neck and down to her throat, down further to her breasts and he started to suckle her nipples over the black lace that covered them.

Natalie still wasn't thinking, his touch made her without senses... made her melt into his body, into his touch and she knew she wouldn't be stopping this... she watched as he moved some and undid his pants, anxiously pushing them down as he saw her make no attempt to stop him... none.

Suddenly moving all the way on top of her again he positioned himself over her, ready to push inside her body and feel her... all of her... to show her just how much he loved her and would always love her... he moved slowly towards her core and he knew she wore no panties under his favorite nighty... he knew just how make her react to him as he teased entrance for a moment, watched her face get even more flushed and then pushed inside, deep... even deeper.

Stopping his actions for only a moment, just one to watch the desire fill her eyes... the blue pigment in them darken, deepen he started to pusher harder, deeper... as he heard her moans, as he felt her pulsating around him... as he felt himself let go... as he felt her accept him and all of him.

Natalie accepted him and what he did to every piece of her body... over and over again till she was completely done... till he was done too... till she felt him move himself to the side, over the small narrow seat of the swing and positions them so he was holding her in front of him, her back to his chest... cuddling in the aftermath like they always did. How they always liked to sleep afterwards.

Natalie took a deep breath and after a few moments of silence her mind started racing... and it wouldn't stop... she felt him continuing to hold her and she thought if this changed anything... after a few more minutes she concluded it didn't... loving him... and making love... perfect love whether quick or slow... it was never the problem. Now was it?

"John" she spoke softly as he knew what was coming.

"I know... I know... "

'You better go" she told him but never moved from his hold on her.

" I know... in a few minutes... lets just stay like this for a few more minutes" he told her and she didn't protest for a few minutes

Finally she had to get up, she just did. Any longer and she would forget what their break was. Why they weren't together. So she sat and looked at him as he moved to stand. She started to open her mouth but he wouldn't let her speak. Instead he caught her off guard and picked her up in his arms. Started to carry her into the cottage.

"John" she said as he carried her inside the cottage, laid her on the couch, grabbed the blanket that sat a few feet away on a chair and covered her with it, tucking her in with it he kneeled on the floor next to her, stared into her eyes.

"How... how did this happen to us?" he asked as she studied his eyes.

"I honestly don't know... cause I never wanted it to be this way"

"Neither did I?" he said softly as he started to stand, as he started to lean in to kiss her gently one last time before going.

"Not yet" she said almost a whisper as she closed her eyes... as she pulled him down to her body... as he laid on top of her and she started to kiss him... to feel him yet again... to love him.

Continuing to kiss he moved down her body... yet again... with his mouth... with his hands, feeling every inch, or her, every heated part of her and she still had her eyes closed... she didn't open them.

"If this is a dream... then I don't want it to be over yet" was all she said as he moved his whole body... sliding down hers... pulling the blanket off of her as he did... moving his mouth to her most intimate spot... touching her gently with his fingers first... making her squirm a bit as he reached in with his mouth and took her... his tongue taking every ounce of core... showing her the pleasures... that things ... that she could come first to him again... that he wanted to show her... just how much.

Showing her over and over his tongue finally took a hold of her clit... pushing her to the point of making her moan out his name... to the point where he moved his fingers too inside her and felt her arch her body up... felt her let it go... all of it...as he didn't let up... as he continued to show her great pleasure... bring her to a place he was happy to still be able to bring her.

Natalie's fists, they crumples up... he was pushing her to a place he knew he always could... he was taking a hold of her and showing her this was about her... all about her and she let him... she felt her body ignite and she couldn't control it... she let him do it to her, please her.

Finally coming down for a moment from earth shattering release she looked at him as he still stood near her core... she leaned her body up... pulled him towards her some and started to take his shirt off, to unbutton it and then pulled at his pants ... showing him... without words that she could give to him... that they could give to each other again... that she wanted too.

John stood... after her actions; he quickly took his pants off, boxers completely off this time and stood naked in front of her lying on the couch for a moment. He watched her eyes and she sat up...he watched and sat next to her as they both glanced at each other... as after a few moments... Natalie moved her body and climbed on top of him... on top of his sitting body and john wasted no time kissing her, and urgently...

Natalie sat on him... she straddled him and after a few minutes of heated kissing she guided her core down around his hardness... taking him into her yet again… allowing him entrance to her and what she had inside. More of what she had inside for him.

Starting to rock... to move up and down on him as he took his hands and guided her motions with his hips they both started to sweat... to peak... with each and every action... as there bodies gave in to each other... like they always did...melted... molded together with every piece of the other... till finally all that was heard was screams from Natalie's mouth... and soft whispers of love from Johns.

"I Love you Natalie" he said softly, a whisper as he grabbed her breast, her nipple in his mouth as she arched back... as she came… again... for him... from him... causing him to come too.

It was early in the morning when john finally woke; he sat when he didn't feel her next to him. He looked to see her sitting in the chair across fro the couch string at him. She looked deep in thought.

"How long you been sitting there/' he asked

" Since after you fell asleep" he just nodded his head and stood up. She wasn't lying with him all night.

"Its almost morning you need to leave" she told him and looked on to her more confused now.

'What?" he asked softly not sure why... he thought making love the few times last night would be enough for them... to move on and together.

"You need to go... "

"You regret it"

'No. I don't regret it but... making love last night, this morning... it's the same as you asking me to marry you" he looked on to her more confused and she explained it.

"You didn't feel asking me would solve our problems... so you weren't... aren't ready to ask... not sure you'll ever be and Making love... it doesn't solve those problems either... it could just cloud them or cover them for a bit but they'll resurface so... you need to leave"

"but... I don't want to go... and I know... you really don't want me too either" he told her as he walked closer to her. Really close.

"A part of me... doesn't want you too... but... you have too...I can't... I won't allow myself to fall back into things... with you... and so fast... I still have a lot to figure out...with myself first" his eyes... his ears... they heard her words and she talked as if. As if she would be coming back to him... and she wanted too. He smiled weakly at her and she looked at him confused.

"You said... you implied that we still have a future…that... when all is figured out...we can be together?" he asked wanting to be reassured of her words, wanting to make her aware of how they came across.

Natalie hadn't even realized what she said, and how she said it, she turned away from him and his optimist and looked to the window facing outside, and facing the swing she was pretty sure that he bought.

"I just don't know john... I don't... but" she started to say and looked to him. " But... as I once told you... I've always wante4d you in my life... good or bad... maybe... just maybe when I find me...when this person I've become is gone... when my life is back on track and I feel good inside... maybe... okay? That's the best I can do right now... its all I have and all I can promise for now" she looked at him, she thought giving him hope, telling him, admitting to him that she still needed in, wanted him would make her weak but... it did the opposite... it made her feel strong, stronger than she had felt in awhile.

John heard her words, and maybe for he first time in a long time really listened to her. He moved closer to her, touched her face and then her hair. Looking into her eyes, her sincere open eyes he leaned in gently and kissed her.

"We... we're intertwined Natalie... we can never be completely apart... now could we?" she shook her head reassuring his words and he let a small brief smile pass his face.

"Maybe... to me... means we'll have ... we'll be what we're suppose to be... maybe ... we can build it better this time... stronger this time and not lose who we both are... and each other in the process" she looked into his eyes...

"Yeah" was all she said as he again kissed her gently on the lips, he moved away from her, got dressed quickly and moved towards the door. She followed him.

"Does..." he spoke softly and ready as he looked back at her,

"Does all this... does it mean... if we take it slow... does it mean we can spend time together... nothing major... just... dinner, pool, sitting and not talking even... there's no harm in any of that right?"

"NO..." he looked at her at first, she was saying no and she saw the misunderstanding on his face.

"No... There's no harm in any of that... but... slow john... I won't be going back to your place... you wont be my main priority... that will be me...doing what I have to... too make myself right"

"I know... making yourself right... so... so we can be better I can make myself right too... so we can be better, have it even better...cause that's what I want" he told her and she touched his face with her hand.

"And that's what I'd like too" she told him and kissed him this time. She backed up as he started out the door.

Natalie sat herself back down on her couch, the one they had made love on earlier, she closed her eyes and felt his warmth in her heart for a few minutes... she heard her phone ring and she went to answer it.

'Hello"

"Hey its John Mcbain... I'm sorry its so early, but, I was wondering if you didn't have plans tonight for dinner... if... you'd like to meet at Rodis' for a burger and fries?"

She smiled as she heard his words, his cute attempt to ask her out

"As friends?" she asked smiling,

"Of course" he said and she chuckled.

"Okay... what time John mcbain?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Ch 8**

Natalie sat nervous, extremely nervous and she wasn't quite sure why, he asked her to meet him at Rodi's for a burger... as friends... and as friends... they were never nervous around each other... never ... it was only after the accident when things had made her nervous around him, near him. She started to wonder if this was a bad idea and she suddenly stood and started to walk towards he door as she wasn't fast enough... as he walked in and they almost walked into each other.

"Having second thoughts on this?" he asked and she looked into his eyes, she didn't want to start things off by lying to him so she was honest.

"Yeah... was getting a little nervous for a few minutes there... okay... a lot nervous" she told him and he smiled at how open she was with him at this moment. He didn't speak and guided her to a booth in the back of the bar.

They both sat silently for a few minutes, awkward and neither knew what exactly to do, to act and finally John spoke.

"This is crazy... this awkwardness between us" he stated and she looked at him.

"Yes it is... but... how exactly are we to act... do we act like we just met, like in crossroads, do we act like we have this long tortured past... like we've lo—" her words stopped for a moment, she didn't want to complete the sentence but he knew exactly what she was going to say, and he finished it for her.

"Like we've loved each other for years... like we can't get enough of each other... like we've made some mistakes, big ones... turned into people we don't even recognized and cause of it we need... needed to be a part to find our selves again" he looked at her, she looked into his blue eyes and she nodded , agreeing with his words.

"I think... I think we just try and forget all that is between us for now... just maybe have some fun... let things be light... just be" he told her and she nodded her head again.

"Alright... we just be...so.…" she started to say as she looked towards the pool table.

"Can we just be ... by the pool table... as I kick your ass in a game... or two?" she smiled at him, he smirked at her.

"I guess we can" he said and she stood and led the way towards the table.

"So... let me get this straight... winner buys dinner?" she said and she laughed.

'Yep"

"Okay but why winner... shouldn't the loser buy dinner?"

'No... Not the loser... it should be the winner"

'Okay then what is the incentive to play good, so hard and win then?" she saw his face; he was stumped for what to say... so he didn't say much except.

"You ask too many questions... just shut up and play," he told her and she chuckled as she missed her next shot on purpose.

'Oooopppps" she said and he looked at her with a half grin, the one she loved so much.

"Your turn" she said all sexily and he almost melted on the spot.

"You did that on purpose" he told her and pulled her hand to her chest acting all shocked.

"Me... On purpose... never" she said and watched him finish the game ... win his first game against her in years. He smiled as he walked closer to her, got in her face, found it hard to not kiss her at this moment, to not touch her but... he couldn't.

"I don't think you're so sweet and innocent Ms Buchanan... as a matter of fact... heard thru the grapevine you're a pretty tough AC girl" he told her and she looked at him, her breathing starting to hitch in her throat.

"Yeah... I am... you got a problem with that Mcbain?" she asked and he smiled briefly, this was her, his Natalie... in rare form... flirting with him... relaxed, enjoying each others company and he couldn't help the smirk that was plastered on his face at the moment... and the words that didn't come to him...all he could do at this moment was stare into her beautiful free spirited eyes.

Natalie stared for a few minutes and then looked away as she heard Mac announce the bar would be closing soon.

"Wow... didn't know it was that late" she said as she walked over and put her stick away, he followed her over too, standing behind her, so close. He saw her move out of his way so he could put his up and he did.

John went over to Mac paid the bill and then walked out the front door with her, over to her car.

"Thanks for the burger and the game" she told him and he nodded his head.

"It was fun... I had a good time" she told him and he again nodded. He was having a hard time speaking at the moment, all of a sudden his mouth went dry and he was confused on what to do next, should he kiss her good night? Or was that stepping over the line?

"Well... good night...bye" she said and she started to get into her car as he stopped her from closing the door completely. She looked at him.

"Maybe... maybe we can do this... another...time?" he asked and she smiled...

"Yeah... I'd like that...give me a call... sometime" she told him and he smiled, let her close her car door and he decided not to try and kiss her tonight... to wait.

Thirty minutes later Natalie was undressed and laying in her bed, she had arrived back at her cottage and got her night gown on, got under her covers and was feeling good with things... with life... her house, her home, the night she spent with him... with out any drama... she started to think about how she was finding herself more and more each day and although she had come a long way, she still had a ways to go... she needed to decide on what to do with the rest of her life...what direction she should go in with a career.

She was very much in thought when she heard her phone ring, it was so late and she knew it could only be him; she smiled as she answered it.

"Hey... just wanted to make sure you got home all right... wanted to tell you I had a really good time" he told her and she smiled brighter on her end.

'Me too"

"Good, well... good night" he told her and she was about to hang up when she spoke.

"Wait… you want to come over for a home cooked meal tomorrow night?" she asked and he hesitated for a moment,.. It made her a bit upset till she heard his joking words.

"I'd love too but... whose gonna cook?" he asked being a smart ass and she shook her head.

"7 pm Mcbain... don't be late"


	9. Chapter 9

**Ch 9**

" So that was good, really good," he told her as they took a seat in the living room after finishing dinner. She smiled at him.

'Why so surprised Mcbain... I've cooked for you before" she asked him curling her feet under her body. He smiled at her and looked into her playful eyes.

"Cook... no...made me a few sandwiches... a few reservations yes...but cook for me...no"

"I had to have cooked for you... once..." she said thinking in her head. " I'm pretty sure I have"

'Nope... never really cooked... and like I said a few minutes ago... it was good... Thank you," he told her again as she was still lost in thoughts about when she had cooked for him. He saw her still thinking and he laughed at how cute she was, he leaned in and kissed her gently... changing her focus for a few minutes.

"Now that I have your attention," he told her and she smiled." Yeah... you always have my attention" she told him and he again leaned in and kissed her, this time longer, a more heated kiss that pushed her back on the couch some. The same couch they made love on the other night... the same couch that helped to change things, start to make things right.

Kissing her and pushing his body into hers he saw her start to move some, push him away some.

"Slow... remember... just be... nothing else for now" she told him and he understood, nodded and moved off of her, moved over to the other side of the couch some.

John nodded his head and he sat for a few minutes staring at his hands, turned to her as she asked.

Natalie sat there, she told him no basically to them kissing and going further... but... he had her flushed, heated, she turned to him, he looked at bit nervous, out of place for a moment and she just did, asked what came to her, her impulsiveness shining thru.

"You wanna go upstairs?" she asked and he turned to her quick, a slight smirk on her face, he had no time to answer her, she grabbed his hand and was leading him upstairs slowly.

They slowly walked the stairs him following behind her as they barely made it up the stairs... as his mouth was kissing the back of her neck the whole journey up the stairs, his hands around her waist in the process.

Opening her bedroom door he glanced a peek at a room he never saw, her bedroom... it was decorated just her style, nothing over the top and defiantly not flowery anything.

Natalie looked at him as they walked into the room, staring deep into his eyes she felt his hands move to her face, hold it gently for a moment and tell her.

"I love you Natalie"

"A little soon to saying those words isn't it Mcbain" she asked jokingly as he pushed her towards the bed more, as his lips locked on to hers, up against her lips he mumbled the gentle words,

"Its never too soon for those words" and grabbed her roughly, pushed her back on the bed


	10. Chapter 10

**ch 10**

"Its never too soon huh?" Natalie asked as his hands... went to the hem of her blouse, pulling it up and over her head... throwing it anxiously to the floor.

John didn't comment on the last bit of flirting, he was too taken with his task at hand,, his task of taking her clothes off... enjoying the pleasure of her... them... this way again... his hands moved to the back of her .. her pulling up off the bed some so he could unclasp her bra... removing that in no time flat he threw it to the floor along with her blouse... his hands now traveling down towards her jeans... the button... he opened it with ease and pulled at her pants, pulling them down and off her legs... discarding them also quickly as she already had her hands on her panties... pushing them down also…discarding them.

John smiled as he looked at her, she was naked and beyond beautiful to him... she was everything, he watched a few minutes too long as he heard her comment.

"Okay... you gonna join the party?" she asked joking and he knew she wanted his clothes off as she tugged at his shirt, pulling it out from where it was tucked into his pants... yanking on It urgently she started on the buttons as well as he.

One by one they almost frantically crashed fingers now undressing him... over and over till his shirt was wipe open... till she moved up and pushed it off his shoulders touching his warn muscular chest in the process.

"John" she said and smiled as she ran her hand down to his pants... stopping on his fly... over his erection to rub him thru the material as she then grabbed at the button,... Opening it quickly and unzipping fast before he even had a chance to lose the rubing sensation, the shock waves she sent his body thru his pants... aiding to push his pants down his legs... his boxers now too he regained himself quickly... moved himself up on top of her body and let his mouth., his tongue take its turn.

Natalie arched up her back as his mouth made its way down to her breasts... as his tongue licked at her nipple causing her insides to dampen... to crave him even more and quick. Her legs fell open wider as she felt his mouth yet again start to glide down her body... down past her belly button and straight down her middle to her core... leaving her no time to object he took a hold of her... her clit with his mouth... suckling and tasting as Natalie started her low moan in ecstasy...over and over for a few minutes as he knew... just the right spot to make moan deeper, hardly... just the right thing to do to change her moans to screams... as he knew just what to do to cause such a reaction that she felt her whole body quivering... tightening and releasing.

John watched her pulling herself together as he traveled up her body this time towards her face ... he took a close look at it, the pleasure he gave her in her hazed over eyes... written all over her warm, sweaty face.

John started to regain himself... he tried but it was so hard too... he wanted to be in her... he needed to be in her and right away... he positioned his body above her... looked deep into her eyes... saw the desire, passion still in them and started to move himself closer to her core... to be one with her when he felt her bring her hands to his ass... grab him... guide him more anxiously inside her... touching his warmth... running her hands... her fingers back and forth over his backside as he thrust into her center.

John felt her bring her mouth up to his... kissing him...over and over, urgently... deeply ... with her tongue and he moved his actions faster... deeper and he heard her scream his name... over and over…as the smile.. it formed at watching her.. Hearing her.. Loving her.

"John…John…John.…." she was milking him for all he had inside... all he had stored up for her and he felt his body jerk... his release upon him and he felt her body... give in again...to him... jointly.

"Natalie " he spoke out... the only word he could get out as he came along side of her on the bed... as he pulled her close and held on to her... tight.

Slowly Natalie turned in his arms, awake as he still seemed to be sleeping, she touched his face gently, lightly not to wake him and she closed her eyes… wondering if this was a mistake... them making love again... and so fast... them being together, spending time together... was it going to make things harder for her... to pull away some... and not get sucked in... Sucked in completely by him and the dreams of a family… a life with him.

She opened her eyes and looked at his still very much asleep state and she hoped she found the strength still inside, the strength to still want to find her... for herself... and not give so much to him...she hoped, almost prayed that all of this wouldn't have her revert back to being all about him, taking care of him.

John slowly opened his eyes and saw her staring at him, her eyes a bit worried looking, a bit teary even. He reached his hand out to her face and caressed it lightly.

"hey... what's going on?" he asked and she smiled weakly " nothing" she spoke softly but he knew she wasn't being truthful. He just looked at her deeper.

"Just thinking, wondering if this... all of this is going to weaken me.… hurt me" she told him and he attempted to sit up but she stopped him with her hands.

'No...Its not like that, I mean ... .me... This has been nice... good... really good but...  
I"

"But what?" john took offense for a moment, he shouldn't have but he did, they had just made love again, they were acting like old times, getting along great, things were feeling so good, really good.

"Don't get mad now John... you knew the deal this time... you know... I've been honest with you…I come first this time... who I am... the old me I'm trying to find... what makes me happy... what things I want in my life...I'm trying to find those things and then maybe find a nice balance in them"

John looked at her, he knew he couldn't be mad, he had no place to be, she was being honest with him this time around, they were communicating some on a different level but... he loved her... and he knew she loved him.

"Have you figured out what it is you want Natalie?" he asked her and she got out of bed, he too got up and followed her. She walked near the window of the room looking out.

"Not all of it, but some... some different... some very much the same" she told him and he asked again.

"What?" she turned and looked at him, maybe it was a bit premature for saying this , for bringing it up but... it might be the best time for it, to see if he had changed back to that person he once was, or was at least really willing to change back, find that person.

"I want to have a career, something that makes me happy doing, that challenges me some, a nice home, a... a... a man to spend it with... a life with someone... a family someday... with someone that wants that too... that isn't afraid or unclear of wanting that." She looked at him, deep into his eye as hers became watery with the few minutes it took him to speak.

"Not going to say anything john" she got a bit snide at his non silence, now was the time for him to reassure her that he wanted to have things with her... in life, a family.

"Natalie..." Natalie walked from the window quickly, she picked up his clothes from the floor. Threw them at him.

'Get out john" she said softly " don't come back... this won't be happening again... "

'Natalie... no"

"Yes... I have to be strong enough to see what has been in front of me this whole time... you... you just don't want those things in life...the same as me... the same dreams... and... I can't go thru all of this knowing yet again... that I'll put myself in a position to not have one of the things I want most in life… something.. . I deserve in life."

'You don't understand" he told her as she walked towards the bathroom.

"I don't understand... then say it... say when all is said and done, when we've found ourselves, and each other again... that you want to get married, marry me... have a family" John looked at her challenging face, and he didn't know why but he couldn't tell her, he just couldn't.

"I guess I have my answer…don't come by... don't bother calling ... don't anything... I will not do this... with you.,. any part of it again.…I deserve more and by God... I'm going to get it"


	11. Chapter 11

**Ch 11**

"Whiskey… and bring the bottle" John called out to Mac as he stood at the bar... at their place, going over everything in his head, them being together again... making love and then... then the topic of what Natalie wanted came up... things she wants and he knew what she wanted, had always wanted probably since a little girl taking care of her brother...

Mac placed the full shot glass in front of John but no bottle" I asked for the bottle" John said knowing he needed more, much more than one drink tonight... maybe much more than one bottle even... to forget the look... in her eyes... her voice... the hurt yet again he bestowed on her as he just couldn't do it... couldn't say it... ask her... and why?

John shook his head...'Why? Why can't I ask her? Why... cause I damn want those things too... in life... and with her... why am I so afraid?'

"Johnny... let me take you home?" Mac said as he closed up the bar and he saw John stagger towards the front door near him.

"Nope... Me gonna walk... I need... the air" he told him after glancing only once back towards the bar where the empty bottle of whiskey sat... after glancing an staring for a few moments at the pool table... the one he bought her after the Vegas sting... he shook his head almost violently and almost knocked himself to the ground. Mac leaned his arms out to help catch him so he didn't fall. John looked at the man... a good friend to both he and she.

"Why Mac?" he asked and Mac knew John's more than usual somber had to do with Natalie but... he was confused as to what John was asking.

"Why can't I just ask her? To spend her life with me...I love her... why?" he asked again and Mac looked at him... wondering if he should really answer him and so honestly... and if John would even remember it in the morning.

"You obviously don't want to" John looked at him in his stupor state. "What does that mean?"

"You love her... you know what she wants in life... you know how she feels, and ... well John...who could blame her for not sticking around if you so obviously don't want ... or love her enough to give her the things she wants... needs in life... if... you can't do it... and for her... you obviously don't want it... or her... or love her enough"

John stood dumbfounded by Mac's words... sobering by each and every harsh reality of them he looked at him... and then closed his eyes...

"But... Sometimes Love isn't enough" he said softly, defeated and opened his eyes to see Mac shaking his head.

"Love is always enough" Mac told him and walked him out the door of the bar.

Natalie tossed and turned... it was almost 4 am and she hadn't gotten any sleep tonight... she kicked him out a few hours ago and she had cried... although wanting to toughen it out, she cried for hours now... but now... now she was numb... her body, her soul... her spirit even... how could she have been so stupid... and again... to think... maybe... may be he had realized it.

'"You really are stupid Natalie... aren't you? He's never going to be that, those things to you... give those things to you... share with you... he did once... with Caitlin but... he just... doesn't love you that way... he just doesn't want you that way...he'll never...its time" she told herself out loud as she finally stopped trying to sleep... she walked into the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror.

"It's time Natalie... it is... time to find your way... what you deserve and go after it"

"awwwwwwww" John rolled over in bed and his head... it was killing him... it hurt so bad... he looked at the clock and it read 7 am, he moved his body slowly out of the bed and towards the bathroom... grabbing some aspirin he looked at himself in the mirror... Mac's words from five hours ago ringing thru his head.

"It's obvious you don't want too... its obvious you don't love her like you think" he said the words out loud and then closed his eyes. Was Mac right? Was this what was holding him back? Not loving her enough... cause... although Natalie kept insisting... Love wasn't enough... wasn't that a lie? That love had to be enough... it had to overcome everything... but... why? Couldn't he...this be overcome... why if he loved her so damn much... why couldn't he give her what she wanted? Why couldn't he take the images of them, together with a family... and make them real... reality.

John shook his head. Why couldn't he do it for her... himself.

"Why the Hell can't I just ask her????" he yelled at himself some as he got more and more agitated with the notion that he lost her this time... and again... cause of his own screwed up emotional issues... his own inability... to move there love to a different place... a different level.

John ran to her cottage... feeling desperation... feeling as if he couldn't breathe... not sure what he was going to say... or do when he got to her door but... all he knew was, he needed to see her... to talk to her... he couldn't, they couldn't leave things how they did. He rang the door bell a few times... no answer... he banged on the door... a few times... no answer...

"Natalie!!!" he shouted almost frantic that she wasn't answering the door to him on purpose.

"I need to talk to you... we need to talk" he said and he finally after a few minutes he heard her voice.

Natalie heard him the minute his car had pulled up in the driveway, she was on her way over to her grandfather's house... to ask him for a job... she had thought long and hard about things... about a future for herself and if... if she couldn't have a life with the man she loved, a family... she would do something she could be proud of... something she could devote all her time too and something she knew she'd be good at.

Finally not being able to take it she grabbed her purse and light jacket by the front door, opened it to see his frantic eyes staring at hers.

"I didn't think you'd open it," he told her and she shook her head. " I wasn't going to but... I'm late" she told him and tried to walk passed him when he put himself so she couldn't.

"We need to talk... we... can't ju—"

"John... we don't have anything else left to say... we can leave things this way... and we will... excuse me... I h—" Natalie's words were cut off by Johns phone ringing in his pocket, she closed her eyes... knowing he'd take the phone call... knowing he'd go running and make anything but her , their broken relationship main priority.

Natalie just shook her head, as he stood frozen for a moment... almost confused as to what came first... Natalie let out a small snide smile again as she shook her head.

"See ya around John" she told him as he still stood frozen and she walked away... as she walked on... moved on.

John couldn't break the paralyzed state he felt he was in... His phone continued to ring and he watched... as she... she walked away again... moved past him and on with her life...moved on with her life... leaving him there... alone.

**To be continued...**


	12. Chapter 12

**Ch 12**

A few days had passed and Natalie was standing by the bar at the Palace Hotel... her cell phone rang and she quickly looked at the caller Id before answering.

"Okay Grandpa... I understand... I'll tell Mr. Simmons and Mr. Phelps that your running late... yes... I'll be fine... I can handle this...Thanks" Natalie smiled as she closed her phone, Her grandfather and herself were having a lunch meeting with a few of BE's Clients. And Asa was running late... so... .She'd have to run the show for a bit... she smiled... feeling quite confident that she could handle it.

Actually she was quite confident she could handle lots of stuff when it came to working at BE, Asa was showing her the ropes... it had been a week... a very long week of almost 14 hour days with him teaching her everything she needed to know... his hopes that someday she... along with Kevin in London... would run the business... and just as smooth as he had all these years.

John walked into the Palace bar... he was meeting Michael here ... unsure why Michael all of a sudden liked meeting here and not at the Diner...or Rodis but... he was meeting him here... he lifted his eyes as he entered the room and saw her... the beautiful site of her for the first time in almost a week.

John watched her closely as she was dressed in some sort of business suite... one he would see Evangeline wear... one more Evangeline's style... and although... she looked gorgeous it in... in anything... he wondered what it meant... what it was all about. He saw her move towards the bar with a certain confidence he hadn't seen in awhile... not since her pool playing days and he wanted to smile... but ... he couldn't bring himself too.

John continued to watch her order a drink... her smile, bright and this time... he let a small smile pass his face… unsure of why other that the fact that he was happy to see her... look at her... he started to walk towards her...wondering... hoping she'd feel better... than the last time... maybe they could talk... get thru all of this... he had been giving her space this week... he moved closer but stopped suddenly as he saw two men in suites approach her... he turned to the side... not far and listened to what they all said.

"Mrs. Buchanan" the blonde younger gentlemen said with a glimmer in his eye that John didn't like one bit.

"Its Miss" She smiled at he Man as he put his hand out to shake.

"Andrew Phelps... and this is Darren Simmons , we're from S and P." Natalie lent out her hand to shake as the other gentleman spoke.

"Your grandfather said to look for a striking red head but... his words didn't do you justice" the man was flirting with her and she smiled nice and shook his hand this time.

"Thank you...My grandfather called and he's running late... said if it was alright with the two of you... since we know you have a plane to catch that we can go ahead get a table and start talking BE business" Natalie told them and they both smiled giving her there full attention.

John heard her words... as if... as if she worked for Asa... for BE...he watched as one of the suited gentlemen guided her to the table, his hand on her back some and he wanted to punch him... he did... rage... anger at all the flirting and the mans eyes roaming her body some was making him nuts when his cell phone rang... it yet again ... rang.

"McBain...Blair... calm down... what? Todd? Alright... I'll be right there"

A few days later

"Hey little lady... you alright in there?" Natalie was in the bathroom that sat between her office and her grandfathers... she wasn't feeling well, he stomach... queasy and she blamed it on the business lunch they had an hour prior.

'Fine Grandpa... just don't think Lunch is laying on me too good... I'll be out in a few minutes" she called out to him and then a few minutes later she heard his voice again... this time... more concerned but... not about her and her sudden nausea...Vomiting.

"Natalie..."

"What's wrong?" she said noticing his urgent scared tone, she walked out of the bathroom after rinsing her mouth.

"We need to get to the hospital... it's Jessica"

They arrived at the hospital just in time to hear the doctors talking with Antonio... with mom and dad... Natalie walked closer and towards them, putting her arms around her mom, easing her fears some.

"Mrs. Vegas needs a donor...and fast "

Twelve hours later

"Mrs. Davidson... " The Doctors called out as they came from the OR.

All the family was standing around and moved forward as they approached.

"Please... tell me... my girls... that they are alright... tell me"

Chicago

"McBain"

'Johnny... its Michael"

"Mikey... I don't have anytime right now... I'm following up a critical lead to find Todd Manning"

"Johnny... this is more important"

'Michael... let me call you back later alright... I'm meeting an informant in five minutes."

"No Johnny... listen… Its Natalie... we might not have five minutes... you need to get back to Llanview... and now... or you might not get the chance to say good bye"

John started breathing heavy again... nasally... his insides started to rev again... he heard his brothers brief words... jumped on the first airplane that could get him back to Llanview the fastest and he began to now jump from the car as he threw it in park...running into the hospital he was still... yet again playing Michaels words over in his mind... his heart not wanting to believe the tone in them... the way he said the word Good bye... and to her... to Natalie... his Natalie...the one woman... the one...

John could barely see straight, his vision blinded by the unknowns and he continued to run thru the Hospital towards the nurses station as he suddenly stopped upon seeing them... her family... huddled together... talking... speaking with a few doctors.

Finally catching his breath he stayed off to the side as he regained his composure... trying to keep it together... listening... trying to put the few pieces he had together... trying to block out the images of a world... a life without her in it... his life without her in it... permanently.

"Mrs. Davidson... the mild medications we're giving your daughter... they aren't working, they aren't fighting Natalie's infection...your daughters body... its shutting down... we need to increase the strength... try different medicines...it may be her only chance at recovering from this"

John watched as Vicky closed her eyes. As she was silent and for a few minutes...

'Why the hell wasn't she just telling them to give her the stronger meds?' John shouted to himself in his own head... his confusion... it echoed for a few moments in his brain.

"We need your permission," the Dr told Vicky and John was becoming furious at this point… enraged that they weren't just permitting it... and stalling some.

" What the hell are you waiting for? Tell him to up her meds... anything to make her better" John said loud, abrupt as he walked closer to everyone... he didn't care... he didn't, the Dr basically said she would die without giving her stronger medication ... without trying other stuff and she was hesitating??

"John" Vicky said softly and looked at him "There's more to it" she said and He was still upset, agitated. He looked to the Dr.

'Give her the stronger meds" he told them and the two doctors looked at each other and then to him.

"And who exactly are you?" one of the Dr's asked and John closed his eyes... who was he exactly? Her boyfriend? Her fiancée? Her husband? He reopened them quickly as he heard Michaels voice nearing him.

'Johnny... let's go talk... all right?" Michael said and looked at Vicky who nodded her head.

"No Mikey... No... I want to know why they aren't giving her stronger stuff... anything to fight what ever is wrong with her" John wasn't budging.

'John...come on... I'll tell you" John calmed some and he walked John to the side as they were still a bit in hearing distance... as John heard the Dr's words and he stopped walking in spot... and looked back at the Dr... At Vicky and then to Michael's face.

"Ms Davidson... its your call but... your daughter... she only has a few more hours... you need to decide."

'You're asking me to go against my daughters wishes... to decide between her and her unborn child"

John turned quickly to Michael as he heard the words... as he was even more dumbfounded... shocked... he looked into his brothers face... his eyes now watery.

"Pregnant Michael? Natalie's Pregnant?" John spoke in shock, soft and stunned. Michael put his hand on his brothers back and guided him towards the Dr's lounge to tell him the whole story... all of it.

**To be continued...**


	13. Chapter 13

**Ch 13**

John listened as Michael spoke.… told him what Natalie did for Jessica... how the procedure was going well... how the Dr' said she and the baby too would be alright... should fair alright when Natalie developed a complication, an infection and they had been trying to fight it with mild medication for the past day.

John.. His body… now feeling the fear along with heart as Michael went on to explain how her body.. it was shutting down some… how it wasn't responding to any mild treatment.. any Mild medicines and how she needed more… strong stuff at this point to save her.

"Johnny... if they give her the other meds... the baby...it will cause permanent damage... or... it could just... abort itself" John held his hands in his face... this was a nightmare... his worse damn nightmare. He looked over to Michael as he heard words he knew she must have said… words she must have told Michael.

"She… she knew John… she asked to do everything possible... to save the baby... and too still try and save her sister... but… at this point… if she doesn't… if we're not able to fight the infection… she... and the baby... they'll… well…they'll" John looked to his brother… he knew what he was trying to say… he did... she would… could die… her.. his life… his love... and the child... the baby... neither of them knew about... they could both be gone... to this world... to him... forever.

John gathered himself quickly... he took a deep breath and walked from his brother... then... he ran as he went running thru the halls... to find her... them. Not thinking about anything else but the fear... the loss that was close to being upon him... the helplessness he hated to feel.

Finally stopping he came upon a door surrounded by her family. He walked over towards the door, didn't speak to anyone as he started to approach the door, open it but...Clint... he stepped in front of him and blocked his entrance... causing John to move back from the door.

"Sorry Son... only immediate family" Clint told him harsh and John just looked at him.

"You're not stopping me from seeing her... and I want her to have the damn stronger meds... she can't die" he told him and the man backed up some from his face... he moved out of his way and let him enter her room.

John nodded his head as he saw him allow him entrance... he walked in and held his breath as he saw her... as beautiful as she was... she was drained, her face, her body... machines monitoring her... She wasn't awake; he walked closer and grabbed a chair.

"Natalie" he said and he touched her hand, he started to caress it. " I've mess us up... so much... I have...you and I... I.… I... I can't survive in a world without you... a life without you in it.… without you"" he told her and he held on to her hand tight now... grabbing her palm and not releasing it... he sat... for a few more minutes... closing his eyes remembering … the images in his head the night of his car crash.

The visions of them, together... two kids. A smart mouthed boy that looked a lot like him, a beautiful little girl… long red hair… to match Natalie's.

He opened his eyes..."you can't die on me... you can't leave me... you're my world... and I know... I never said it... or say it... but... you can't" his eyes watering at the thoughts that now ran wild in his head. He stood for a moment, leaned down kissed her hand.

"We'll still have time... to have them Natalie... a whole bunch... as many as you want... but... right now... right now... you need to get better... you need the Meds" John turned away from her and looked right into Vicky's eyes.

"John..."

"Ms Davidson... please... tell them... to give her the other stuff... and now...please" he pleaded with her and she motioned for him to come into the hall.

'John... I can't," she told him and he looked at her... stunned.

"Natalie can't die... we can have other children...I won't let her die" John told her and Vicky looked at him.

"John... this isn't your call"

'I wish everyone would stop saying that... all right... yes... I'm nothing to Natalie ... right now... okay... nothing but the man that loves her beyond anything else... the ass that made her unhappy... okay... but... she can't be out of this world... out of my life...damn it... I need a second chance... she needs one too.… we need it and ... and " john started to lose it some as Vicky walked closer to him " if she dies... I'll never get the chance... to tell her... all I saw for us... to show her... to ask her to spend my life with me..." he told her somber and his eyes... they started to shed tears... a few ran down his cheeks.

"Please... allow them to give her the other stuff right away… so it has time to work…please." he again pleaded with her.

"John... Natalie had me promise... that I would save the baby at all costs" John closed his eyes.

"At the cost of her? Mrs. Davidson.… as upsetting as this is...with finding out about her carrying our child...its worse thinking of raising a child without her... a child not having her ... me not having her... and I know... I do... that it's selfish but... I can't help it... I can't...and... and ... if we wait... there's a chance of losing both of them"

"There's also a chance of saving both of them...Lets not underestimate my daughters strength... you and I... we've both seen it first hand" John fell silent for a few minutes... Vicky as upset as she was held things together. She watched him closely for another moment and then spoke again.

"John..." Vicky walked over and hugged him. " The doctor says... if Natalie can fight this. On her own... her body... we can save the baby from being hurt... we've only got a few more hours to try... alright...I'll make you a deal... we'll try and get my girl to bring her strength... to fight like we both know she can over the next few hours and if... If it doesn't work... I'll go against her wishes... I'll order them to give her the stronger medication"

John pulled from Vicky's motherly arms, looked at her. He shook his head and wiped the water from his cheeks.

John walked back into Natalie's room, sat again in the chair next to her.

'I'm here Natalie... I'm not going anywhere... I love you... and ... I know you love me... So fight... for your life... for us... for our child"

**To be continued...**


	14. Chapter 14

**Ch 14**

"McBain" Clint called into the room as he walked closer to him still in the chair next to his daughter. John turned and looked at him.

"Go get coffee... her family wants to see her a little too" Clint told him as John looked at his watch... it was 2 in the afternoon... they had till 5... or till her body was to such a low that they felt the Meds couldn't bring her back... couldn't help.

"No...Her family is right here" John told him and refused to get up and out of the room. Clint just shook his head upset... annoyed but he left the room anyways... he did.

"Your dad doesn't think I'm good for you... probably doesn't think I'm good enough for you... and he's probably right... but...you and I together... what's inside of you...that's... what's good enough" John just started to talk... to say things... probably speaking more than he had ever spoken before in the last ten years... maybe the last twenty.

"You and I...we're good together...and... Maybe we clash cause we're the same... we were kind of brought up the same... no real childhood, I took care of Michael and the household when my dad died... and you... Rex... and even Roxy too..." John took a breather and pushed her hair from her face some, he touched it, closed his eyes and continued to speak...jumping from subject to subject... just speaking the things that went in and out of his brain... his heart.

"I love your hair... did I ever tell you that? Probably not... there was so much I never told you... but I do... since first sight... I've... I've been fascinated by it... the color, the texture... that damn piece that falls in front of your face all the time" He smiled as he touched it again... smoothing the ends back off her face.

"I dreamt of a little girl you know...one that looked like you... the same red hair... a little boy too... with a wise mouth" he let out a laugh " like me... we were at Rodi's... playing pool... and... and well... a feeling came over me... one of peace... one I didn't know must have been happiness..." he took a break and then sat back down in the chair.

" I don't know what was wrong with me...after I got back from the hospital... I guess... and it's no excuse... that I was feeling as if... as if I lost myself... completely... I laid for months in that hospital bed... letting others take care of me. Having to let others take care of me... and... that was new to me. I've never had anyone... or needed anyone to take care of me... not like that... and... then... I got home... and you... it just felt like.… it was different... so different...I pushed you... made it your fault... like you were smothering me... doing things for me, making decisions cause I couldn't while I was in the hospital... but... I didn't see... I didn't want to see" he took a breather again, his eyes... watering and he couldn't control them, nor did he want too at this point.

"I couldn't see that you were taking care of me... loving me... trying to do what was best for me... cause you were afraid to lose me..." John pulled his chair closer to the bed, placed his hand on her stomach gently for a moment and then closed his eyes... leaned his head carefully on her stomach.

"I get it now... I understand the fear... how afraid you were to lose me again...and how much you love me." Breathing rapidly in and out thru his nose he finished up talking.

"I get it all now... all of it...and how much I want it... and all of it with you"

John slowly fell asleep... into a deep sleep and his thoughts... his visions... his dreams coming full circle.

Dream

"He's finally asleep" Natalie said as she joined John in bed... their son... he just didn't want to sleep tonight.

"That's good... didn't think he'd ever give us some privacy tonight" he said with a smirk, a devilish smile and she nestled herself in his arms, her body cuddling into a tight fit with his.

"Yeah... well... that's one of the down falls of having children... no private time" she told him smiling and joking and he pushed her hair from her face. Looked deep into her eyes.

"Would you give it up John? Are you sorry... we had him?" she asked out of nowhere

"Do you think I'm sorry?" she shook her head no immediately

"No... but I was just wondering... you know... all of this... it started... I mean...you weren't ready... you couldn't ... you didn't want it and then bam...I'm near death... I'm pregnant with our son... and...then... it all falls into place... and nicely... and so... I sometimes... well... I sometimes..."

'You wonder? You've been wondering all these years... if we only got married cause of what happened? Natalie babe..."

"John... I know you love me... us... all of us.… and we have a really good life...things are too good sometimes... I know it all worked out for us... how ever it came about but sometimes... when I'm a bit insecure... once in a blue moon"

"Honey" he said pulling her close... her body even closer, staring right into her eyes again, even deeper.

"You don't need to wonder...or be insecure about anything...you know how I am... how things... take me so long... how I have to be hit with a ton of bricks before I realize things... almost losing you... him...although an emotional ride... although scary as hell... it was the best thing that happened to me in a way... it woke me up... it did... and fast... and...I promised to never go back to how I was...back then" he told her and she smiled at him, tears in her eyes.

"So your happy then? That it all worked out like this?"

"I didn't know this kind of Happiness existed" she smiled brighter this time, leaned in with her lips, kissed him gently and then pulled back. Looked into those blue eyes of his.

"So then... you would be happy if I told you I was pregnant again?" she saw his face as he brought it closer to kiss her.

"Yeah... I'd still be happy.… probably even more"

End dream

John woke to the feeling of her warmth... her hand in the back of his hair as he heard the sweet sound of her voice.

"John" she spoke shaky as he rose his head up and saw her awake for the first time ... first time in way too long... the color in her face... it was beginning to come back... and he almost thought it was part of his dream... her talking to him.

"John... I'm..."

"shhhhhh.…you're awake... nothing else matters right now... let me go get your Doctors" she nodded her head as he stood, went to her face before leaving the room... touched her cheek softly... looked into her eyes... " I love you Natalie ... sometimes... Love is enough"

**To be continued...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Ch 15**

A few days had gone by, Natalie had been fighting the infection off all by herself... the baby... the doctors said was fine... normal... amazing they said after all that Natalie had been thru...John spent most of his time there with her at the hospital but they never got around to talking about anything of importance... Natalie told him it would wait... it would have to take a second seat to her recovering and that's just what it did... for now.

"Hey... Thanks for coming... I appreciate it" Natalie told Rex as he entered her room, she was leaving the hospital today... finally going home.

"I thought McBain was taking you home?" Rex asked as he started to help her get her stuff together.

"Yeah... well... you know John" she said a bit disappointed that he wasn't there taking her home.

"He got an important call about a case or something... so...you know... things don't change" she said trying to mask the disappointment in her body... she was so sure... after everything that they were on the right track... she had even heard some of the things he said to her while she was in a unconscious type state.

"Come on sis... let me take you home"

"Thanks Rex... I appreciate the ride" she told him as he brought her bag just inside the front door of the cottage. He kissed her cheek.

"No problem... I only have one sister" he told her and he started to leave... she watched him walk away and loneliness... it crept her body... she was alone again... just when she thought things were going to be better with her and john... she rubbed her stomach with one hand as she wiped away a few tears that fell her eyes.

'Its just you and me.…huh?" she said and smiled weakly... she was having a child... she was... and maybe... just maybe she wouldn't get the family part of what she always wanted in life. .but... she'd have the child... she started to walk towards the living room thru the foyer when she heard a small noise... as she looked into the living room... as her mouth... it opened in surprise.

"Hey" he said as she walked closer to him... he was in his black dress pants, his maroon dress shirt and his black tie... he was smiling wide at her as she walked closer.

"What's going on John?' she said as she looked around her living room... her eyes... shinning bright as she noticed the twinkling lights he had strung up... a lot like the ones he put up on the roof top at the hotel for her... the night they made love for the first time.

"Guess?" he said in his wiseass tone and laughed, he walked closer meeting her half way.

"I've got a few things to tell you.…and... well... a few things to ask too" he took her hand and guided her to the couch, he sat along side her and held her hand.

"I don't want to wake up...without you next to me... and... I don't want you to ever wonder if I'm only doing this cause of the baby... cause I'm not... I'm doing this cause I love you... and I can't bare to be without you... and...and... and well... I'm just going to do it" he said as he got off the couch... down to one knee.

Natalie's eyes... they were already watering... she placed her hand in his as her eyes met his now emotional ones.

"When you were in the hospital... I told you my dream...you probably don't remember it"

"You told me of two kids... playing pool at Rodis" she said finishing his sentence and he smiled wide at her.

'Yeah...it was a beautiful dream... just like you...I should have done this along time ago... I should have ...Marry me Natalie?... spend your life with me...raise children with me... and not cause your already pregnant... but because you love me... an we have the same dream. ... We always have"

Natalie couldn't contain her tears at all now, they were racing her face and he brought the ring out... started to place it up her finger as she mouthed a yes.

"Was that a yes?" he said being a smart ass again and she laughed wide and bright.

"yeah... it was a yes"

"Good... cause Father Carpenter will be here in an hour"

**The End**


End file.
